Discussions

News: Ask TSS: Do you have geeky EJB/Java jokes?

  1. Ask TSS: Do you have geeky EJB/Java jokes? (55 messages)

    We are looking to compile good/corny java jokes. Many of these will eventually end up in a TheServerSide comic series which we will launch early next year. If you have any jokes then post them in this thread! Meanwhile, I have posted one here to get you started, about the entity bean and the session bean...

    Here is one to get you started:

    An Entity bean came into his local bar on Monday night, and his eyes fell on a beautiful Session bean.

    He went over to her, gave her some line, but was denied.
    The next day the barman grinned when he saw the Entity once again show up, and hit on the Session bean. Once again, denied.

    On the third night, after getting dissed again, the Entity came and sat at the bar. The barmen gave him a drink and said... 'You are definately persistent'.

    Post your jokes here!

    Threaded Messages (55)

  2. Not a joke, but anecdote that actually happened; names withheld to protect the innocent...

    Coworker of mine was complaining: "Man, does this project take forever to build! It's been 15 minutes and not done yet..." So without looking up from my terminal, I spewed out a checklist to him. "Are you using jikes?" "Yes." "Is it in your path?" "Yes." "Is USE_JIKES set in your build environment?" "Yes." "Are you using fast-recursion compile?" "Yes!" "Are you using jikes in ejbc?" "Yes!!" bla bla bla...

    Finally, out of frustration, I yelled "Did you push enter after typing 'make'???" I get dead silence for 5 seconds, followed by "Ahhhh, is that why the blinking cursor is still on the first line!"
  3. 4 way stop[ Go to top ]

    Question: Tooth fairy, Easter bunny, EJB programmer and a .NET programmer all meet at a four way intersection. Which one has the right of way?

    Answer: EJB programmer, the rest are all figments of your imagination.


  4. 4 way stop[ Go to top ]

    The .NET programmer, cause he thinks he owns the web road not knowing that he's going to end up nowhere but in the monopoly way.
  5. .If you pick the right one, it doesn't have to cost a lot of money.
    .Your app server doesn't get jealous if you deploy your component elsewhere.
    .If you change app servers, you don't have to pay alimony.
    .Your buddies can all use the app server at the same time.
  6. .Enterprise app servers never go down.
  7. -AppServers always have a 30-day evaluation version
  8. this is kool !
  9. Session Bean walks into a bar and asks for a Jack Daniels on the rocks...bartender says "I'm afraid I can't serve you any alcohol", and the Session Bean says, "why not ? Are you discriminating against Session Beans ?" and the bartender replies "well, look at the state you're in".
  10. A LinkedList walks into a bar frequented by Vectors, and says to the barman "I'll take a Jack Daniels, on the rocks", and the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve your type here"
  11. A bunch of 17 year olds - ClassCast, IllegalArgument and ArrayOutOfBounds - decide to chance their arm, and try and get served at the bar. The Bartender takes one look at them, and asks them for ID. ClassCast hands over his fake ID, IllegalArgument hands over his brother Throwable's ID, but ArrayOutOfBounds doesn't have any fake ID. The Bartender says "Sorry guys, you'll have to leave unless I can see some ID". ClassCast pleads with the barman "can't you just bend the rules for us ?" and the barman says "Sorry, no Exceptions".
  12. What has the likelihood of .NET being a flop, got in common with predicate checking in Java 1.4 ?

    They're both assert.

    (keep saying it...ok, I'll get my coat)
  13. What do Indians(from Asia) do if wife leaves to India on a long trip??
    Eat food from a month of frozen pre-cooked stuff stored in rubber-maid freezer containers!!

    This is called Container Managed persistence ( or Subsistence ) :)
  14. Not exactly Java jokes.. but interesting jokes and one-liners.

    1. ASCII a question .. Get an ANSI.
    2. thespacebaronmykeyboardisnotworking.
    3. Have you heard of Sun's Viagra for Windows... it converts your floppy disk into a hard disk.
  15. Ask TSS: Do you have geeky EJB/Java jokes?[ Go to top ]


    9:00 AM
    Project manager: " Where is Joe?"
    Java programmer A: " You know he is always lazy loadded."

    1:00 PM:
    Project manager: " Where is Joe??"
    Java programmer B: " He is in passive mode."

    5:30 PM:
    Project manager: " Could I see Joe in rest of my life ?????"
    Java programmer C: "Never, he has been garbage collected."
  16. Wow, these are all great! Any ideas we use for the comic series will be attributed to original suggesting author. Keep it up guys!

    Floyd
  17. Great job guys.... keep 'em coming!
  18. Ask TSS: Do you have geeky EJB/Java jokes?[ Go to top ]

    Dolly the sheep was done by overriding its parents clone() method. well, they used deep copy here. i wonder how Dolly would look like if they had used shallow copy - what a mess ;-)

    [ok... i know i need to work on it to make it funny]
  19. Ok, here's one I made up today:

    Two session beans in love are sitting cuddled close together:

    "Oh Jarling, my Singleon!", the female session bean exclaims.

    "Let's go Home and Make love.", the male session bean replies.

    "But we can't", the female session bean says. "I don't want to create() new() instances."

    "Don't worry" the male session bean replies with a smile. "My constructor is protected."

     
  20. Here's another one:

    Two female entity beans are talking at the bar:

    "Hey, have you seen that handsome session bean at the other end of the bar.", the first entity bean says.

    The second one, known for being cynical, replies:

    "He's probably just a cute Facade and no Content. Besides, he can't keep up a conversation. He's stateless."

    :-)
  21. This one I heard from someone else, and is not strictly EJB-related, but here goes:

    The producers of the movie Highlander have realized that the title really should have been: "Singleton".

    :-)
  22. VM1: My friend brad.jsp and his wife entity.class finally broke it off.

    VM2: Really, what happend ?

    VM1: Well it was a few things, first he is a jsp and she is an entity bean and they never really got along
    but the situation got worse when he started seeing other entity beans and started using to much JDBC.

    VM2: Thats to bad.

    VM1: I guess she was not very secure in the relationship and had a hard time managing her children (aggregates), but their relationship is much better because they communicate through a facade... I think they work better when they are apart.

    He is no longer using JDBC, looks great, and seems to be performing better at work, and they both have agreed to allow their freind accountant.class, a non biased stateless session bean handle all of their business logic.

    As for her, I guess she is seeing other jsp's.... through their facade of course !
  23. Over-heard a conversation between a session bean and a entity bean..
    Damn, the new comers are unfortunate ones. Why there are so many of them in the homeless shelter ?
    (apparently they were referring to message-driven beans).
  24. Q - How many Java programmers does it take to screw in lightbulb?

    A - Eight! One to screw in the lightbulb and seven to debate the optimum wattage, which shape of lightbulb gives more light, who is the best lightbulb vendor, whether we should have an open source lightbulb, and which lightbulb performs better on the EIPerf (Enterprise Illumination Performance) benchmark!

    Phil
  25. Java is a great language.
  26. Java Lightbulb Changing README[ Go to top ]

    Welcome to the Jakarta-Edison Lightbulb Sockets Implementation

    Jakarta-Edison is a pluggable framework for pluggable illumination devices. Version 2.0 of the library now supports numerous kinds of light bulbs - incandescent, flourscent, halogen, sodium, and many others. The basic procedure for setting up a new light bulb is:

    LightbulbFactory lbf = LightbulbFactory.getInstance();

    Properties lbProps = new Properties();
    lbProps.setProperty(LightbulbFactory.LIGHTBULB_TYPE, LightbulbFactory.LIGHTBULB_FLOURSCENT);
    lbProps.setProperty(LightbulbFactory.LIGHTBULB_WATTAGE, 35);

    Lightbulb bulb = lbf.getLightbulb(lbProps);

    LightbulbSocketFactory lsf = LightbulbSocketFactory.getInstance();

    Properties lsProps = new Properties();
    lsProps.setProperty(LightbulbSocketFactory.SOCKET_SIZE, LightbulbSocketFactory.US_STANDARD);
    lsProps.setProperty(LightbulbSocketFactory.SOCKET_VOLTAGE_UNITS,
    LightbulbSocketFactory.RMS);
    lsProps.setProperty(LightbulbSocketFactory.SOCKET_VOLTAGE, 110);

    LightbulbSocket socket = lsf.getLightbulbSocket(lsProps);

    LightbulbSocketAdapterFactory lsaf = LightbulbSocketAdapterFactory.getInstance();

    LightbulbSocketAdapter adapter = lsaf.getLightbulbSocketAdapter(bulb, socket);

    socket.setState(LightbulbSocket.ON);


    You can add support for additional types of bulbs and sockets by editing the lightbulb_properties.xml file, which must be present in your classpath. Also, the Javarta-Edison library requires the Jakarta-Power, Jakarta-Lumen, Jakarta-Tesla, Jakarta-Collections and Jakarta-Commons libraries.
    If you want to use the library outside of Windows, you should also include the Jakarta-Outdoors library, although the life of some bulbs may be significantly shortened when used outside.
  27. /**
    @author Ganesh Prasad
    */
    import org.religion.*;

    public class LordsPrayer
    {
        public void pray()
        {
            // Our Father, who art in heaven,
            //
            God ourFather = Heaven.getGodInstance();

            // Hallowed be thy Name.
            //
            ourFather.getName().setHallowed( true );

            // Thy kingdom come.
            //
            ourFather.getKingdom().setWelcome( true );

            // Thy will be done in earth
            // As it is in heaven.
            //
            boolean isWillDone = Heaven.isWillDone( ourFather );
            Earth.setWillDone( ourFather, isWillDone );

            // Give us this day our daily bread.
            //
            Bread dailyBread = ourFather.getBread( new Date() );

            // And forgive us our trespassess,
            // As we forgive those who trespass against us.
            //
            synchronized
            {
                ourFather.forgive( this.getTrespasses() );
                this.forgive( this.getTrespassers() );
            }

            // And lead us not into temptation;
            // But deliver us from evil:
            //
            ourFather.removeTemptationListener( this );
            ourFather.deliverFrom( Evil, this );

            // For thine is the kingdom, and the power,
            // and the glory, for ever.
            //
            for (;;)
            {
                Kingdom.setOwner( ourFather );
                Power.setOwner( ourFather );
                Glory.setOwner( ourFather );
            }

            // Amen.
            //
            finalize();
        }
    }
  28. boolean isWillDone = Heaven.isWillDone( ourFather );

    > Earth.setWillDone( ourFather, isWillDone );

    I have problems with Heaven and Earth being utility classes with static methods. Not only does this break the OO paradigm, but it removes Earth and Heaven from future inheritance.
  29. I agree .. but since we don't know what Heaven looks like (abstract ?), we can't really inherit from it anyway.

    And, do we override sin() with love() ?

    Earth on the other hand, will probably be deprecated or gc'd ... but eventually, be taken from a cache and a new singleton be created after new Revelation() happens.

  30. // My word will not pass away before Heaven and Earth pass
    assert (Heaven && Earth);
  31. Cool! I sent it to a few friends...
  32. that was a cool one!!
  33. Romeo and Juliet[ Go to top ]

    What would Juliet have said if she had been a Java programmer?

    Romeo romeo = new Romeo();

    // Original - "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore are thou, Romeo?"
  34. Romeo and Juliet[ Go to top ]


    Juliet breaking Java Rules !

    it should be

        Romeo romeo = null;
        boolean isJulietHappy = false;
        int tryCount = 5;
        while(!isJulietHappy && (tryCount > 0))
        {
            try
            {
                romeo = new Romeo();
                isJulietHappy = true;
            }
            catch(Exception e)
            {
                Weep();
                tryCount--;
    }
        }

    // Original - "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore are thou, Romeo?"
  35. Refactored RomeoAndJuliet[ Go to top ]

    /**
      This code is full of bugs but please, do refactor it for further improvements.
    */
    import org.theatre.*;
    import org.shakespeare.*;

    public class RomeoAndJuliet
    {
    Audience audience;
    Thespians thespians;

    public RomeoAndJuliet() {
    audience = new Audience();
    thespians = new Thespians();
    }

    public static void main(String args[]) {
    Act act = new ActOne();
    thespians.loadFor(act);
    act.play();

    audience.FemaleAudience.setAtmosphere(audience.RESTLESSBUTINTERESTED);
    audience.MaleAudience.setAtmosphere(audience.LOOKATWATCH);

    act = null;

    act = new ActTwo();
    thespians.loadFor(act);
    act.play();

    audience.FemaleAudience.setAtmosphere(audience.IDENTIFYWITHJULIET);
    audience.MaleAudience.setAtmosphere(audience.LEMMEGETTOTHEBARFIRST);

    act = null;

    act = new ActThree();
    thespians.loadFor(act);
    act.play();

    audience.FemaleAudience.setAtmosphere(audience.SHAKEYVOICECOMMENTS);
    audience.MaleAudience.setAtmosphere(audience.JEEZCALLTHATAFIGHT);

    act = null;

    act = new ActFour();
    thespians.loadFor(act);
    act.play();

    audience.FemaleAudience.setAtmosphere(audience.QUIETWEEPINGTOTALLYIDENTIFYWITHJULIET);
    audience.MaleAudience.setAtmosphere(audience.HOHUMNOTLONGTOGO);

    act = null;

    act = new ActFive();
    thespians.loadFor(act);
    act.play();

    audience.FemaleAudience.setAtmosphere(audience.UNASHAMEDWEEPING);
    audience.MaleAudience.setAtmosphere(audience.MUSTPLAYDEEPLYMOVEDTOGETLAID);

    }
    }

    public class Act {

    public void play() {

    }
    }

    public class ActTwo implements Act {

    Romeo romeo;
    boolean isJulietHappy;

    public ActTwo {
    romeo = null;
    isJulietHappy = false;
    }

    public void play() {
    part1();
    part2();
    }
    .
    .

    public void part2() {
    Romeo romeo = null;
    boolean isJulietHappy = false;
    int tryCount = 5;
    while(!isJulietHappy && (tryCount > 0)) {
    try {
    romeo = new Romeo();
    isJulietHappy = true;
    }
    catch(Exception e) {
    Weep();
    tryCount--;
    }
    }
    }
    }
  36. Romeo and Juliet[ Go to top ]

    That doesn't make sense!
  37. -Enterprise Server: waiter on StarTrek

    -XML: shirt size between Medium and Large

    -LAN-WAN thank you 'Mam

    -Relational Database: used to track extended families

    -EPROM: what geeks go to in High School

    -Spontaneous Networking: what happens when sales reps get together in the same room
  38. Why did the Integer drown?

    Cos he couldn't Float!
  39. Why could the Java Bean see the entire school?

    Cos he had unlimited class scope!
  40. A Button walks up to a Checkbox in a pub and says "you're a drunk, you've got it written all over you!".

    The Checkbox replies, "don't Label me!".
  41. The Entity Beans were in a real bad mood, they thought these session beans are lucky, they enjoy in a pool and they don't have to remember their state. And The Poor Entity beans have to work always in the cache with frequent activation and passivation. They all got together and decided to teach a lesson to the container and to have a day off, and then the container finally surrendered and had to throw CacheFullException.
  42. Ideas for jokes ( need some work )

    "You're all class" regarding abstract base classes not being instantiated.

    "You've not no class" regarding an interface.

    Superclass speaks to scumbag villian "Say goodnight, you've just been garbage collected buddy"

    Parent class talking about lazy child ( derived ) class, "It's not really his fault, he was born with no main method"

    SecurityManager talking to apprehended ( Excepted )class, "Sorry Buddy, nobody getProperties on my watch"

    ANT buildfile 1 to ANT buildfile 2 after failure to sell house, "Sorry mate, you should know properties are immutable"

    Java class 1 talking to java class 2 and looking at C program "I can't believe I'm descended from THAT!"






  43. Ask TSS: Do you have geeky EJB/Java jokes?[ Go to top ]

    Read somewhere ont he net.

    Q: Why did the Java Chicken cross the road?

    A: He didn't, he was just referred to on the other side.
  44. Ask TSS: Do you have geeky EJB/Java jokes?[ Go to top ]

    There's somebody ask for PDF version of the book "
    Mastering EJB II", if I'm the Author I'll return a abstract factory class As reply, Here it is:

    public class MasterEJBIIFactory {
    private final static MasterEJBIIFactory factory = new MasterEJBIIFactory();
    private MasterEJBIIFactory(){
    }

    public static MasterEJBIIFactory getDefaultMasterEJBIIFactory(){
    return factory;
    }

    public abstract MasterEJBII getPDFVersion();

    public MasterEJBII getPublishVersion(){
    String shoppingURL = "http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/" +
    "0471417114/ref=pd_bxgy_text_1/103-4212136-2606263";
    return(BookProducer.getBook(shoppingURL, 31.50));
    }
    }
  45. This is more a Unix joke than a Java joke, but thought you might enjoy it all the same:

    $ /osama/bin/laden
    sh: /osama/bin/laden: not found
    $

    (OBL, being eminently "executable", is obviously found in a "bin" directory!)

    Cheers,

    Ganesh
  46. dude how about this:

    #]rm -rf /bin/laden
  47. Ask TSS: Do you have geeky EJB/Java jokes?[ Go to top ]

    public static void main(String args[]) {
      System.out.println("Bad command or file name");
    }
  48. Geekware is offering shirts with following messages(ofcourse you have to buy them):

    $rm -f /bin/laden
  49. yo mama's so fat... she get an ArrayOutOfBoundException!
    yo mama's so po... she does garbage collection for a living!
    yo mama's so ugly... her java.lang.reflect took down the mirror site!
  50. Two ints and a Float in a bar. They spot an attractive Double on her own. The first int walks up to her. "Hey, baby", he says, "my VM or yours". She slaps him and he walks back dejected.

    The second int walks over. "Hey, cute-stuff, can I cook you Beans for breakfast". After a quick slapping, he too walks back.

    The Float then ambles over casually. "Were those two primitive types bothering you?", he remarks.

    "Yes. I'm so glad you're here", she says. "They just had no Class!"
  51. import java.net.*;

    // simple statement or platform war ??
  52. Java Jokes[ Go to top ]

    A boolean passes a friend in the hall, who notes he looks quite depressed. The friend vaguely recalls a recent family tragedy and asks, "Hey, is it true your parents died last week in a Garbage Collection accident?" The boolean replies, "Yeah, and now I've got no place to live, either." The friend is shocked, and asks, "But weren't you in their will?" The boolean sighs and says, "Nope, no will, no inheritance..."

        ------------

    PrivateKey knows that GeneralSecurityException is reviewing a List of soldiers in the Area for the SecurityManager position. Thinking highly of his Attributes, he makes a RemoteCall to an AccessController friend of his to check the job search CompletionStatus. His friend pulls his File, and sadly reports, "Sorry, but you didn't get it." The soldier is upset, and says, "But I had JobPriority!". His friend says, "Well, it says here you had a WeakReference..."

        ------------

    A Timer was at a ScrollBar and noticed a particular Button was quite Observable. He walks up to her and says, "Hey, there, can I schedule a Date with you?" She replies, "OK, but I'm sure I'd have to cancel..."

        ------------

    A customer is chatting with Mr. Key, owner of KeyStore, when Mr. Key suddenly collapses. Another customer who is a doctor rushes over to check while another calls 911. The customers ask the doctor what happened, and he replies, "Well, when I lift up any BodyPart on this side it's totally limp, so I'd guess he had a KeyStroke..."

        ------------

    A TableModel, ListModel, and ColorModel are being photographed for the fall catalog, but the ListModel keeps giving RenderingHints to the photographer. Exasperated, the photographer calls up ListModel's boss and says, "She's driving me crazy - I can't do my PrintJob like this!" The boss tells him to put her on. She immediately starts whining, "I'm not a Robot or some MenuItem, and he doesn't care about my Image!" To that, the boss replies, "Look, you made your Point, so don't get all bent out of Shape. Just be Adjustable and have a more open Dialog with him. And don't forget that you're not the LayoutManager..."

        ------------

    News Report: "A Java programmer in Silicon Valley was detained for quesitoning yesterday on an anonymous tip that he was using a Hashtable..."

        ------------

    A Double is dating an int, and she decides to break it off. This thows him for a loop, and when he regains his composure he asks why. She replies, "You're always so selfish - it's always i this, and i that..."
  53. MSUtils - more methods needed[ Go to top ]

    package MS.pickpocket.utils

    public class MSUtils {
        public static C# getC#(){
  54. Methods needed - MSUtils[ Go to top ]

    sorry for above one....

    package MS.pickpocket.utils

    public class MSUtils {

        public static C# getC#(){
            return ( C# )new Java().clone();
        }
        
    }
  55. It's private[ Go to top ]

    Bunch of computer science majors were listening to a lecture about java programming at a university. After the lecture a man leaned over his front to reach for a women's breast.

    Woman: "Hey! It's private OK!?"

    The man hesitated for a second looking confused.

    Man: "But I thought we were in the same class?"
  56. Java Programmer and his girl friend[ Go to top ]

    Have you heard a java programmer who broke up with his girl friend because he treats her like an object?